I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
