peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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