I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
