2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
