Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
