nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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