can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
