i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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