You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
