Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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