I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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