How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
