I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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