Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
