Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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