He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You ate ashes out of my bong
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
