I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
