My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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