By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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