I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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