i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
