When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
