the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
