If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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