the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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