grandma shit on top of the toilet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
