I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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