so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
