TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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