My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
