I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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