just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I want a musical about memes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
