there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
