everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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