saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
