i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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