i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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