ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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