I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
