after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You may now shotgun with the bride
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
