just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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