I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Pants are for mortals
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
