You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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