i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
