Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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