somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
