hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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