he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
