why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
