a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
