you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
