So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
