Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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