Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
