i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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