i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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